Sunday, January 20, 2019

Unpublished: Days of Exile (extra scenes)

If you write, poetry or prose, you will at some point in time, have scenes that you have ended up not publishing.

A lot of times, the scenes are not included in the story because it just does not work. And I've learnt in a Fiction Writing workshop that I've attended some years ago that I should not force scenes into the story just because I took a long time to come up with it and I didn't want to waste it. Other times, you would have scenes that you did not publish because you may have stereotypically written it on a diner napkin and have plain forgotten about it till it was too late.

In today's blog post, I am referring to the latter.

Of course, I wasn't writing my scenes and ideas on a diner napkin. I just typed them in my evernote and I forgot all about it. Completely. Until I chanced upon it just now while I was decluttering my evernote things.

So since Days of Exile is published and done, I guess I'll post it here instead :)

So this is meant for Chapter 55 of my fanfiction "Days of Exile", when Meia was explaining to Randy and Heidi her whole reconciliation with her job as a Turk. Once again, much like the previous unpublished post, I'll post what I've written verbatim, so forgive the lack of perfect grammar/spelling. Had to type fast before the plot bunny runs away, you know?

---

Meia looked at Randy. "During the time I was captured by Hojo, I have been thinking of a lot of things. Out there everyone has various impressions of the Turks, most of which are less than pleasant. When I was a child, I truly beleived that everyone had a good side in them. I know that while I was still a Turk, I saw that these people are more than just killing machines. They had a sense of humour, they were loyal to their cause (albeit an unethical one), they had feelings.

Seeing this more human side of them, im.inclined to believe that the people outside shinra are too narrow minded and unforgiving.

How could it, then, that we did all these terrible things, and try to be human at the same time? Why is it that being a Turk essentially meant we throw away our lives up to this point and live like a different person?

I could never come to terms with this. But the more I see, the more I have to accept the undeniable truth. The Turks did wrong things, for various personal reasons. They may not like it, some may like it, but the truth of the matter is as solid as a rock-" Meia stopped to take a breath, and remebered what Cassie said. "We had a choice to stand for what we believed in, and all of us had no qualms putting down our morals to get the job done. That, is what make us Turks not excusable for our doings.
However, I still reiterate that

We cannot expect ppl to like us or forgive us. We can never expect it. Even if we singlehandedly destroyed Meteor or cure Geostigma now, we wont be treated like heroes. The only thing we can do now is to live properly now. If we want respect from people around us, we will work for it.
The best thing I can do is to do what i think is right. Perhaps find someone who share the same passion as me.

Randy thereafter says a few things. Then he leaves and Meia didnt hear from him wver again. (Well, maybe not for a long while. The idea is that randy will not forgive the turks so easily anyway.)

---

There you have it :)

In the end, this scene was not published because I simply forgot all about it. I rewrote the whole chapter as you have already read in the published, actual Chapter 55. However, the main idea is the same and honestly? I like what I've written in this unpublished version, but it's unrealistic that Meia would go on and on while Randy and Heidi just kept quiet without. a. single. comment.

Besides, I love the ending of Chapter 55 and I would not do a single thing to change that :)

Anyway, the story is long completed and it's time to move on. I'll admit, I still enjoy reading Days of Exile and I hope to find more unpublished stuff lying around here and there in my laptop.

Thursday, January 17, 2019

Can I Stay By Your Side? - Chapter 9

Gee, I realised that I never had a tag for "Can I Stay By Your Side". It's time to create one, I suppose?

And to make up for seven chapters that I've already posted, I'll put in some fun facts that I can't believe I didn't publish previously.

Fun fact #1: The original title that I really wanted to publish was "Soba ni ite ii?" which directly translated in Japanese is "Is it okay if you stay by my side?" but well, my lousy Japanese mistook the whole phrase and I reversed the meaning, hur hur. I may a decent writer but I'm still not a decent speaker of Japanese.

In other words, the title of this fanfic should have been "Can you stay by my side?" Hot damn! *knocks head against table in frustration*

---

Let's move on to Chapter 9. Chapter 8, as we already know, was my author's note so let's skip that.

When I came back to review my chapter, I thought that it would be easy to just look through for grammatical errors and just upload this chapter.

How wrong I was.

Well, if you guys have not already found out, I actually enjoy reading my own stories. Yeah, I know. I'm really narcissistic at times. I have been rereading "I Want To Be A Turk", "Days of Exile", "The Only Exception" many times over the course of 2018, trying hard not to forget how enjoyable it was to write.

However, "Can I Stay By Your Side" was a story that I didn't particularly enjoy. Mainly, as I discovered last week when I had to reread the story for continuation, because the story was too skimpy for my liking.

"Can I Stay By Your Side" is written in the style of how a Japanese manga is written. Unfortunately, it's a disadvantage because illustrations play a huge role in manga. Thus, I realised that for the first seven chapters, I found my story too skimpy and lacking of details and "colour".

Thus, when I looked through the chapter again, a desire to improve it surged. Surprisingly, I made quite a lot of changes to the chapter. Mostly a rephrasing of previously written sentences, but also addition of some sentences to bring clarity to the context.

The scene of Yoshiko and Sana on the telephone was such an addition.

In the end, it turned out that my chapters exceeded 2800 words, which was way more than I had expected. However, I'm satisfied with the result.

To those who faithfully read KHR in tandem with my story, I commend your diligence and challenge you to find loopholes in my story (it ain't that difficult to do so anyway).

In order to portray a more accurate description of the Japanese culture, I often used terms in their original Japanese name. Hatsumoude is what the Japanese do in the new year. I've also used a number of websites for research and cross-reference, which I have listed below.

Alrighty, the writing gears are creaking slowly but surely. I'm ready.

Credits:
http://www.hellotokyo.jp/2011/01/02/hatsumode-new-years-visit-to-a-shrine/
http://www.hellotokyo.jp/2010/11/14/try-your-luck/
https://livejapan.com/en/article-a0000776/
http://www.fuji-travel-guide.com/news-item/sanpai/
https://www.realestate-tokyo.com/living-in-tokyo/religion/shrine-temple-manners/
https://wow-j.com/en/Allguides/other/tips_manners/00674_en/

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

So hello again. And what happened?

Ah, turns out that I managed to come back to post a second time this year. This is good, I'm telling myself, baby steps, baby steps.

If you scroll down a little and read my last few posts from 2016, you'll know that I was writing up until then. Then I got married and well, tried to continue writing but it was a little difficult to juggle the new life with my previous life as a single. Also, I underestimated my ability to juggle my career. In the end, I spent the last two years barely surviving my job, even though I loved doing what I did.

Yes, "did".

I resigned after a struggle of emotions and decisions that lasted almost two years. This is a writing blog and not a personal blog, so I plan to omit my description and exaggeration of how I felt in 2017 and 2018. Long story short, I made a decision after struggling for two years. While I enjoy my job, I wanted to, loosely coined, take a break and do something different.

Yep, that's it. What my plans are in my personal life, they are not firmed up. I have ideas on what I want to do, but nothing is planned for me.

Over the last two years, many things bothered me in my emotional struggle. One of the biggest issues that kept nudging me was my writing. I kept hearing my inner critic showering me with disdain and disgust.

"You have been keeping your readers waiting."

"To think, you disliked authors who went on hiatus without a single word, and here you are doing the same thing."

"So how are you going to handle the stories that you've left hanging?"

"When you come back, IF you come back, your previous readers are not going to be around, and it's all your fault."

It was difficult.

But I made it after all that. Here I am, much like the exiled Turks at the end of their ordeal with Zirconiade. I quote KK and Meia from "I Want To Be A Turk!" - "We are disbanded, exiled, used and manipulated, but still alive."

I'm only excited to see what my future has for me.

---

Oh, thought you might wanna know, I actually did consider stopping fanfiction once and for all. I've thought about it a couple of times.

Some time in March 2018, I got so fed up with the internal nagging that my fanfiction was not done. I edited my chapters to include a final author's note. In the end, I replaced it with an author's note that you saw in Chapter 19 of "The Only Exception" and Chapter 8 of "Can I Stay By Your Side?". I'm glad that I did not give up.

I repeat myself in case you are still mistaken. I am NOT leaving fanfiction.

Nevertheless, to end this rather depressing post, here was my final note to you guys that I originally wanted to post to end my fanfiction writing journey once and for all. It was sad, snarky and silly all at the same time. After this post, I won't be talking anymore about my last two years.

Dear readers,

Once upon a time, I was a fanfiction reader myself and I’ve raged about authors who would just disappear without reason or any explanation. Their stories were left hanging without any conclusion. I remember telling myself that as an author, I’ll always keep my readers in the loop of things and I’ll give a proper farewell if I ever stop writing.

This is the time.

I’m sorry.

I’m very, very sorry.

Since 2015, I held onto my foolish hope that I will quickly settle the many things that are happening in my life to write again. Since 2015, I have not written much. Including this chapter, it’s 2 chapters. It’s the same situation in my other story.

I am unable to keep to my promise of finishing this story. And I feel terrible for not being able to even finish the story that I set out to complete. I am writing this with a certain acknowledgement that this could be my last fanfiction chapter.

FAQ Time, hehe.

Q: Hi Aichioluv, um… I don’t really care what’s going on with you. Is the story up there the ending?
Of course that’s not the ending. But this is the last chapter that I’m going to upload. If you want, I can give you like 10 sentences to end this whole story, but I… I can’t do that. I’ve got writing standards to uphold.

Q: Isn’t going on hiatus and disappearing here and there common in Fanfiction?
Being a fanfiction writer since 2005, I have been through ups and downs of writing. Handling schoolwork and drifting away from fanfiction was a part of it. However, I am not able to manage even the most basic responsibilities in my life. I am in a wreck now, barely able to keep up with meeting social circle demands, the demands of three families, and the increasing workload of my career. An absolute, emotional wreck.

Q: When did you realise that it was time to let go?
For close to four months. This portion was written in March, shortly after my emotional breakdown. Through the last two years, I’ve always wanted to write. The desire to write burned so bad in my heart – I couldn’t come to terms that I may not be able to write. I struggled with it, though I never once thought of giving up. However, that had changed since March. My personal management went downhill and the only way I could save myself now is to shut out all possible distractions. Fanfiction is not the only one suffering. All hobbies that I used to relish in are on hold.

Q: A job that takes away your personal time and hobbies? What kind of a job is that?
Nothing for you to worry about.

Q: So… you are telling me that you cannot manage your little life? You mean I’m not going to get my story just because of one silly little character flaw?
Yes.

Q: Will you be back?
I cannot promise, I don’t want to promise. Ideally, I’d love to return one day saying, “I’m finally back!” but after having this foolish thought for two years (with almost no action), it’s wiser to take it as farewell instead of “I’ll be back”.

Q: You suck.
I really do.

Q: Couldn’t there be something that you can do about this?
Meh, I doubt anyone is really asking this. I enjoy reading my own stories too, don’t judge. I’m currently rereading “Days of Exile” for kicks. However, I cannot write anymore. Not while I have this job that’s very time-consuming. If anyone is willing to pay me my current salary to write fanfiction, I’ll gladly quit my job (don’t we all?).

Q: Will you be around for a chat?
I’m always around should you ever PM me. I receive email notifications and will try to respond like how I respond to emails.

Q: So… I guess that’s it.
Yes. That’s it.

I can never tell you enough how much you mean to me. Uploading chapters weekly, even daily, was such a joy because I could read your reviews. Staying up till midnight and jumping up the minute I wake up to write was thoroughly enjoyable while it lasted.

It was all to hear you say that you love my stories. You have no idea how touched I feel when people tell me that they look forward to my chapters all week. You will never know how honoured I feel when people look to me for writing advice.

We may never meet face to face, but I remember most (if not all) of your reviews and I still read them (even the ones dating back to 2005). I cherish the readers who make time to improve me and encourage me. You were not only readers, you were my friends. I treasure you so much that I wanted to make closure here, instead of letting you hang on in wonder of whether I’ll ever complete the story. I hope that in my short time here, I’ve entertained you, or maybe inspired or encouraged you to write something of your own.

I can go on forever, but I really shouldn’t.

Thank you for being with me. I don’t think I can ever achieve that much without you.

Thank you. Everything was all for you.

For you.

Sunday, January 13, 2019

Totally scoffing at the title of the post before this.

Hello everyone.

Happy new year! It's 2019, and about 2 to 3 years ago, I shamelessly began my post with "I'm back!"

And then stopped posting for a long time.

Some of the readers may have already seen my note in the two fanfictions, "The Only Exception" and "Can I Stay By Your Side?" Nevertheless, I'll post what I've written here at the end of this post. I'm still undecided if I should remove the author's note.

Anyway, a lot has happened. And as of now, I'm not writing fanfiction. Yet.

I doubt anyone is reading this blog anymore, but I'm still keeping it running because the initial idea is to just keep a record of my writing journey. So I'll be posting a lot of my woes, I guess.

And yes, I'm prepared to lose a lot of my readers. This is my second hiatus and I don't know when I'll stop writing for good.

For now, I'm taking things one step at a time.

Hope to be back on this blog with a better explanation of what had happened since my disappearance in 2016.

My author's note in the fanfiction is as follows:

10 August 2018

Dear readers of my Fanfiction stories,

It has been more than 2 years, how are you?

Since the last update, marriage, work and life required a lot more of me than what I had expected. A lot more happened that affected me emotionally too. If not for my husband, family members and friends, I don’t know how I would pull through.

I’m sorry that there was no sign of me for the last two years.

I struggled over the last two years if I should quit writing altogether. You know, close this chapter of my life that enjoyed writing and focus on my career.

However, in the recent few months, I have made some decisions in my life. This may mean that I am returning to Fanfiction.

I do not wish to make promises, but I will tell you my current plan. Fingers crossed, I will return to Fanfiction by March 2019. If I don’t return by then… well…

You, my readers, were always on my mind when it comes to writing. I told myself that if I ever were to stop writing, I need to do the decent thing and inform you. So, my quest for writing will not be over until I say it’s over.

Till then, please have faith in me that I’ll return by next year.