So hello again. And what happened?

Ah, turns out that I managed to come back to post a second time this year. This is good, I'm telling myself, baby steps, baby steps.

If you scroll down a little and read my last few posts from 2016, you'll know that I was writing up until then. Then I got married and well, tried to continue writing but it was a little difficult to juggle the new life with my previous life as a single. Also, I underestimated my ability to juggle my career. In the end, I spent the last two years barely surviving my job, even though I loved doing what I did.

Yes, "did".

I resigned after a struggle of emotions and decisions that lasted almost two years. This is a writing blog and not a personal blog, so I plan to omit my description and exaggeration of how I felt in 2017 and 2018. Long story short, I made a decision after struggling for two years. While I enjoy my job, I wanted to, loosely coined, take a break and do something different.

Yep, that's it. What my plans are in my personal life, they are not firmed up. I have ideas on what I want to do, but nothing is planned for me.

Over the last two years, many things bothered me in my emotional struggle. One of the biggest issues that kept nudging me was my writing. I kept hearing my inner critic showering me with disdain and disgust.

"You have been keeping your readers waiting."

"To think, you disliked authors who went on hiatus without a single word, and here you are doing the same thing."

"So how are you going to handle the stories that you've left hanging?"

"When you come back, IF you come back, your previous readers are not going to be around, and it's all your fault."

It was difficult.

But I made it after all that. Here I am, much like the exiled Turks at the end of their ordeal with Zirconiade. I quote KK and Meia from "I Want To Be A Turk!" - "We are disbanded, exiled, used and manipulated, but still alive."

I'm only excited to see what my future has for me.

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Oh, thought you might wanna know, I actually did consider stopping fanfiction once and for all. I've thought about it a couple of times.

Some time in March 2018, I got so fed up with the internal nagging that my fanfiction was not done. I edited my chapters to include a final author's note. In the end, I replaced it with an author's note that you saw in Chapter 19 of "The Only Exception" and Chapter 8 of "Can I Stay By Your Side?". I'm glad that I did not give up.

I repeat myself in case you are still mistaken. I am NOT leaving fanfiction.

Nevertheless, to end this rather depressing post, here was my final note to you guys that I originally wanted to post to end my fanfiction writing journey once and for all. It was sad, snarky and silly all at the same time. After this post, I won't be talking anymore about my last two years.

Dear readers,

Once upon a time, I was a fanfiction reader myself and I’ve raged about authors who would just disappear without reason or any explanation. Their stories were left hanging without any conclusion. I remember telling myself that as an author, I’ll always keep my readers in the loop of things and I’ll give a proper farewell if I ever stop writing.

This is the time.

I’m sorry.

I’m very, very sorry.

Since 2015, I held onto my foolish hope that I will quickly settle the many things that are happening in my life to write again. Since 2015, I have not written much. Including this chapter, it’s 2 chapters. It’s the same situation in my other story.

I am unable to keep to my promise of finishing this story. And I feel terrible for not being able to even finish the story that I set out to complete. I am writing this with a certain acknowledgement that this could be my last fanfiction chapter.

FAQ Time, hehe.

Q: Hi Aichioluv, um… I don’t really care what’s going on with you. Is the story up there the ending?
Of course that’s not the ending. But this is the last chapter that I’m going to upload. If you want, I can give you like 10 sentences to end this whole story, but I… I can’t do that. I’ve got writing standards to uphold.

Q: Isn’t going on hiatus and disappearing here and there common in Fanfiction?
Being a fanfiction writer since 2005, I have been through ups and downs of writing. Handling schoolwork and drifting away from fanfiction was a part of it. However, I am not able to manage even the most basic responsibilities in my life. I am in a wreck now, barely able to keep up with meeting social circle demands, the demands of three families, and the increasing workload of my career. An absolute, emotional wreck.

Q: When did you realise that it was time to let go?
For close to four months. This portion was written in March, shortly after my emotional breakdown. Through the last two years, I’ve always wanted to write. The desire to write burned so bad in my heart – I couldn’t come to terms that I may not be able to write. I struggled with it, though I never once thought of giving up. However, that had changed since March. My personal management went downhill and the only way I could save myself now is to shut out all possible distractions. Fanfiction is not the only one suffering. All hobbies that I used to relish in are on hold.

Q: A job that takes away your personal time and hobbies? What kind of a job is that?
Nothing for you to worry about.

Q: So… you are telling me that you cannot manage your little life? You mean I’m not going to get my story just because of one silly little character flaw?
Yes.

Q: Will you be back?
I cannot promise, I don’t want to promise. Ideally, I’d love to return one day saying, “I’m finally back!” but after having this foolish thought for two years (with almost no action), it’s wiser to take it as farewell instead of “I’ll be back”.

Q: You suck.
I really do.

Q: Couldn’t there be something that you can do about this?
Meh, I doubt anyone is really asking this. I enjoy reading my own stories too, don’t judge. I’m currently rereading “Days of Exile” for kicks. However, I cannot write anymore. Not while I have this job that’s very time-consuming. If anyone is willing to pay me my current salary to write fanfiction, I’ll gladly quit my job (don’t we all?).

Q: Will you be around for a chat?
I’m always around should you ever PM me. I receive email notifications and will try to respond like how I respond to emails.

Q: So… I guess that’s it.
Yes. That’s it.

I can never tell you enough how much you mean to me. Uploading chapters weekly, even daily, was such a joy because I could read your reviews. Staying up till midnight and jumping up the minute I wake up to write was thoroughly enjoyable while it lasted.

It was all to hear you say that you love my stories. You have no idea how touched I feel when people tell me that they look forward to my chapters all week. You will never know how honoured I feel when people look to me for writing advice.

We may never meet face to face, but I remember most (if not all) of your reviews and I still read them (even the ones dating back to 2005). I cherish the readers who make time to improve me and encourage me. You were not only readers, you were my friends. I treasure you so much that I wanted to make closure here, instead of letting you hang on in wonder of whether I’ll ever complete the story. I hope that in my short time here, I’ve entertained you, or maybe inspired or encouraged you to write something of your own.

I can go on forever, but I really shouldn’t.

Thank you for being with me. I don’t think I can ever achieve that much without you.

Thank you. Everything was all for you.

For you.